That is a little clip from the conversation on the way home. But it spells out exactly how I feel. I feel like I am wearing a straight jacket when I am dieting. Especially since the only diet that has really worked for me that is sustainable and affordable is the Paleo/Atkins diet. I have done every diet out there from the shredders, to the shakes, to a form of HCG, nothing works for real like Atkins for my body type.
I read an article not too long ago that talked about how people are carbohydrate intolerant, meaning that they will always have to be on a something of a maintenance Atkins plan in order to maintain their body weight, blood sugar, etc etc. That basically sums me up. Over the weekend we took off, I gained four pounds, and my stomach started to look like some monster out a B movie... It puffed up like nobody's business. Sigh.
So here I am on day two of this new month, still charting BBT's, still on this diet, and still actively praising God listening to worship music, and holding on to my faith.
Let me take a moment to tell you about this faith thing. I am not holding on to my faith gracefully. I cry, I moan, I am sad, I grieve this process. I am sad that I had gotten so big my body stopped ovulating. Like whoa dilla, that is crazy....my body stopped ovulating... when I think about that I have to take a step back so I don't scream and fall down crying. It is overwhelming for me to think they I am not ovulating. So you see, the fact that I still go to church, still chose to believe God is correct and still am choosing to believe his will whatever it is, is correct, is me HOLDING ON TO MY FAITH.... I wish it looked better, I wished I could just stand and not be sad and cry and be upset, but I haven't grown to that point yet.
Hubbin says I do things with my whole self, and I know that he is correct in that statement. For example I don't endeavor to just be a good wife and an average mother. I hope to be a great wife, and a great mother. Why is that because I feel sooo blessed to be a wife and a mother. I started out my young life early 20's all into my career but my heart always sought a time where I would have a companion and kids on my heels, and now that I have that I want them to know they are the manifestation of God's love for me. So when it comes to having more children, I am pursuing that with my whole person, with a single-mindedness that I bring to most things. The frustration is this is one of the great mysteries of life, I am not in control of this, all I can do is present my request to God, have faith and put my work i.e losing weight behind it.
My fear is that I will never have another child, or it will be years from now when Layna is too old to really have this second child as a playmate. That fear lies in my heart like a stone pulling me down and the only thing that keeps me from drowning is I believe God's will is correct either way, and I also know he hears me cry from the inside, I am crying on the inside.
When I imagine God, I typically imagine Jesus, and we are sitting on the beach facing the ocean. He has his legs pulled up with his arms wrapped around his legs and I do the same and we are just looking out at the ocean, and it is a calming thought for me. That is where I am now, I guess, facing the ocean with Jesus by my side and I am crying from the inside out.
I leave you with this scripture, with this battle cry:
Romans 8:11
And if the Spirit of him who raise Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.
Romans 8:11
And if the Spirit of him who raise Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.
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