New Focus

I am at the point where i can accept that maybe God does not want me to have another child. I accepted that, and since my husband does not wish to adopt, I suppose now I am accepting that there is a strong possibility that we are going to be a one child family.

I say this because I have not ovulated today is day 14, and I thought I had some mucous around day 12 and 11 but that could have not been. No ovulation no baby.... I feel so sad. I think when God says no you have to hear that too.

Instead of focusing on what I do not have, I am going to focus on the child I do have and the family I do have, (albeit much smaller than I envisioned for myself).... The word says God is close to the broken hearted and comforts those that have a contrite spirit.Psalms 34:18.. That would be me....I am actively fighting depression. I am angry to some degree unknown even to me, because my husband does not want to adopt. But i feel like I can't let everything be in rebellion. That doesn't make sense. I feel like I can't be in rebellion to my husband and still think that my decisions are in accordance to the will of God..... Sooooo

I pray Proverbs 34:18 amongst others, and refocus my energies on losing weight, getting my health together and getting into a better financial position. It occurred to me today that if Layna is going to be by herself, then I have to absolutely have to make sure she has a solid foundation spiritually, educationally, and financially. I want to make sure she can sustain herself in the world if something were to happen to me or her dad.

I wanted another child because both Henry and I are basically only children, his brother died, my eldest brother died, and my second oldest brother I don't see as much as I would like. Both of our families are older significantly, and we have no cousins close to speak of. So i just DIDN'T want her to be alone, so now I have to face the fact that she may very well be alone and I have to make sure she can make it---I pray for her husband, I am going to step up those prayers...I know what it is to be alone as a child, as I was raised really as an only child, my brothers have different mothers.

Anyway, the point of this post, is that I believe God is correct, and If i am experiencing this much push back on having a child or adopting, then I think I need to back off some and just fortify the one that I have, and make sure she knows God.....Even in this state of mind that I am in, I still want Layna to know God.

That is all.