Day 17

I feel like I have done something wrong in this life. I feel like maybe this is punishment. My period still has not come. I am not pregnant. And to date in this whole 17 day process i have only lost about 10lb's...  I am bloated, like my period is trying to come but it won't come. I don't want to take the progesterone pills Provera because that is introducing a whole nother set of hormones into my body, that may or may not help...

I have ordered Raspberry leaf tea, it will be here today, CD 42. From the endless research I have done online they say it will help my cycle come.

I woke up this morning and repented, I don't know if I have done something that has displeased God or what, but this part of life is proving to be hard for me. Children are close to my heart, and I am believing God for one more child. I am so ashamed, ashamed that eating and weight gain has stalled my chances of having a child and here I am having to get back down to a reasonable weight to at least hopefully try and get pregnant without medical intervention.

Food maybe my sin, gluttony. But like I said before food is a balm....I praise God, I will remain in belief for another child, but it is hard especially when your period has not come and the one time you tried fertility drugs your cervical mucus dried up, and you normally on time periods stalled.

I am so sad..... I am trying to wait on God and put works behind my faith but I am so sad Lord. I don't know what to do....

The diet does give me energy....It has helped my skin, I do fee like I am doing better all the way around on it, so I guess I can't complain on that front. I have been doing low carb, but now I am about to do atkins induction phase paleo style.

Why well, it is really hard for me to lose weight.  I have only been having one fruit a day, but still my weight loss kinda stalls a little here and there.

My typical menu is
boiled egg or and omlet for breakfast
half of apple and some pecans for a snack
salad with toppings but no dressing just oil and vinegar for lunch
other half of my apple with almond butter for a snack to help me get to the gym.
dinner is a meet with veggies.

Any other person would be losing weight like 40 going north. I have lost btwn 9-10 lbs depending on how much water I am retaining that day.

Vitamins, I am taking my iron pill, my thyroid pill, vitamin D, magnesium/calcium/zinc/ and I am about to start taking a B complex pill as well as a cinnamon tablet. Why the cinnamon, well it is said to help normal blood sugar functioning, which will help stabilize my blood sugar which hopefully will aid me in getting pregnant.

You soo I have learned so much from some many blogs, research sites etc, and THERE IS A LINK between, difficulty getting pregnant, blood sugar, estrogen dominance, pcos, all of that.....

But every site, all the information that I have found have one thing in common, Lose Weight.....If  you lose weight it will help with the estrogen dominance, and maybe some pcos symptoms as well. If you work out it will even help your body absorb some of the free estrogen in your body and help it cycle through and out through your waste.   So here I am in the gym as well. Treadmill 2+ miles, 40+ min to an hour, on average burning 400-500cals any given session.

(Side Note) It is hard getting to the gym, like really hard, so much is going on. My mom is using my car her car quit on here me and hubbin are car pooling, so we get up extra extra early, and if he drops me off he comes to get me at my job, I hop in the car we if we beat traffic, we can get to the gym and I have exactly 50 min to get a treadmill get my two miles in and then I rush out and we are racing to get home, to get the lil one. If i have the car, same thing except I leave the gym and go back and get him.

Its a lot but we are doing it.

I feel bad, I am sad, I am devastated on some levels, but thanking God for the child he did give to us, and how beautiful and perfect and happy and healthy she is. I pray for more, I am repenting for even being in this position in the first place, and trying really hard to get my body back on track.....

That is all blog you know., I don't have anything else today, it is taking all i have to stay on this diet and not to fall into a depression.

If anyone uses food as a balm, then they know what it is like to confront that it is quietly destroying your body, but you still desire it to make the pain of somethings in life go away. Hubbin calls food an internal hug...I guess I was huggin myself with food too much.