Ok so I am not going to talk about being sad. I am workin my way through that with prayer. I named this blog 'trying not to stress' because that is exactly what I am doing. I am actively trying not to stress.
We are using an app called My days to track my cycle my BBT's and my cervical mucus. I would track cervix positioning but i don't really understand how... (embarrasing but true). Any way, we think we ovulated this month, however all of my beginning temps were high 96's then went up to the mid/high 97's then went up to 98 once or twice before coming down which they are supposed to. But most BBT charts start in the 97's and I am wondering if it is low progesterone keeping me below that.
Still this is the most normal cycle I have had, and I contribute it to low carb living. I have felt better on this diet than i have in a long time. I haven't had any break through bleeding, which further makes me happy. The reason being is my doctor said I had the break through bleeding because i was trying to ovulate but my body actually was not or could not, not sure which one. Anyway, I am prayerful.
Next month thanks to our handy dandy android app 'my days', i am going to use the OPK, Clear blue Easy to see if I am indeed ovulating. I hate those things because they were telling me I wasn't ovulating right around the time I conceived my daughter. Now knowing what I know I probably wasn't ovulating then, because I didn't conceive my daughter until I went on a diet and lost about 15lbs.
I am off the low carb for THIS WEEKEND ONLY.... the reason being is I have a reception to go to and we are also celebrating my 31st birthday. It was a perfect weekend to go off because we get to start on April 1st which is Monday. Sooo in an effort to make the transition back on easier we went shopping on Friday for all the low carb foods that will get us through the week....Low carb Paleo is where it is at for me but it is one of the hardest diets i have been on.
Other issues in my life, me and my mom are squabbling some because I feel like she doesn't want to understand me as an adult, also I feel like she doesn't appreciate me as a person or a friend or a daughter. I am at a point in my life where I feel like it is ok to let someone know how you feel as long as it is not in a disrespectful manner. Also having made your position known it is ok to back away from that person to give them time to ascertain whether or not they want to continue to pursue a relationship with you. whether they want to grow it. Mother daughter, husband wife etc etc need love and attention respect and openness to continue to grow and evolve.
However, because she is my mother. I am not going to let this break last too long, last time we stopped talking it was more public and it hurt my family a great deal, especially my Mimmi, who I love to know end....so because I don't like division in the family and because I really don't think my mom cares one way or another I will make my way over there at some point a few months from now. But right now I am hurt by what I perceive as our inability to really relate to one another. I relate to my aunts great, i think it is because they respect me, and they are willing to spend time with me. My auntie dot dot shows me how to cook stuff, and my Bean goes shopping with me and shows me about flowers. My mom was here a solid month when I asked her to help me pot my flower she kept putting me off, again and again.
Me and Henry read about how to do it but because I had paid so much for the flower I didn't want to kill it I was just needing someone to show me how to do it once and I am a quick study after that. My Bean showed me and Henry how to do it in the garage on a weekend trip down here....I soooo appreciated that, and it was fun and now I know something new that I can teach Layna how to do it.... But it made me sad my mom wouldn't show me when she knew how it only took ten minutes.
Then on the other side of that same token she wants me at her beck and call to help with homework, or take her here or there or whatever else we are talking about. So I just feel used sometimes, it goes deeper than that but this is a blog not a dissertation of the dynamics of my relationship with my
mother.
Now that I am a mother I realize it is a hard job so I try not to be critical of my own mother. Just this morning me and the hubby had to hold firm with our lil one. She didnt want to go over her site words and her letters before Sat morning cartoons. But we held firm and explained to her that we would learn a little bit first and then do some funnies, which are cartoons here....Finally after two full minutes of pouting she did her lesson, which lasted maybe 15 minutes and then we explained as a reward she could watch her beloved OSO. LOL my life...gotta love it.
Well in summary--> losing weight is working for me, I am feeling better. I am thinking I did ovulate this month and I am still taking the FIGHTERS road. Prayer, Praise, Dieting and Bloggin this is my life..
misc thought maybe I should start adding pics to this blog. I will think about it.
See ya.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Day..37....Praise Report
Today is day 37.
Vitals, I am 221 pounds, I started at 234 pounds.
My blood pressure is down to 119/79
And on average I am working out three days a week walking 2+ miles and lifting weights.
No abnormal breakthrough bleeding lets hope this persist, day 20 of my cycle. I think I did ovulate this month. I have been monitoring my BBT and charting it on my android using a app called 'my days'
Ok so here goes the fun part my life. Last time I was hear I talked about me and the hubbin arguing because he would not consent to start adoption processes, not even preliminary paperwork. He advised that we stay with God. I was really angry at him I felt like he did not understand.
But somewhere in there I realized that I am this man's wife, and I need to at least try to see his view point, that was my first revelation. It lead me to my second which is God is not in 'confusion' God is not into discourse, rebellion (of this fashion) and strife. He made me this man's wife and as such I need to remember what I am trying to grow into which is the Proverb's 31 woman. On top of that I had been praying for God to keep building Hubbin up in his leadership of this family, as he is already naturally a good leader but I always feel you need to keep your family especially your man lifted in prayer.
So what happens when you are praying God to cultivate leadership in your man to another level and in doing so the man disagrees with you in what you consider to be a mighty way. Well first, you pout, express your dissatisfaction with his answer and typically begin your you are a insensitive alien from the planet Male... LOL at least that is what I did. After that conversation, I then cried, and then I got into my word and realized the Lord tells wives, 'submit unto your husbands as unto the Lord....I got to thinking maybe this is an opportunity for me to submit to his leadership when we both are not on the same page, which rarely happens. I am blessed with a husband who I share very similar values with, so philosophically typically we are almost always on the same page. Execution, uuuuuuhhh well yeah one out of two ain't bad. (big smile)
Anyway, this revelation lead me to another one. Sometimes, as a woman even though your heart is in something, God is still about order. So in that I recognized my husband as the head of our household and decided that although I didn't like his answer I would respect it, stop hounding him about adoption and start to pray. See I realized the devil was HAVING a field day with my emotions like a field day for real ya'll.
Those conversations was last week. Over the weekend we prayed together and seperately. I went to Henry and said I was sorry for trying to manipulate him (ie tears and general upsetness) into doing what 'I' wanted him to do. He accepted my apology. That is when I started to pray more and more about being in the will being obedient to God's word that I believe he has given Henry and most of all, adhering i.e obeying to the order of the house...
Fast forward to this week. I am still very sad sometimes, I still pray over and for Amaya everyday. i am still unbelievably sad sometimes and stressed and lets not forget HUNGRY....ALWAYS HUNGRY...
I digress, anyway, this week I said ok I have to start getting myself out of this sadness and stress etc etc. So i started playing my praise and worship music. Like i started playing it Loud, thanking God for being my ever present source... The word says. "Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God" Psalm 42:11.....
The father is the help of my countenance, and I just had to keep praising him and seeking him and worshiping him and as my aunt says when I don't have anything elste to give, just say Jesus out of my mouth... When I want to cry our eat or eat and cry,,,, I actually literally say out of my mouth, even if it is just a whisper, "Jesus". I call on the name of the Lord God our Savior Jesus Christ. This week has been better, I get my praise music on and I pray and praise and worship and slowly but surely some of the dark edges are receding I am reminded that God has not forgotten me. He is in the midst of this situation he is working it out for the God of us who love Him our Lord.
Vitals, I am 221 pounds, I started at 234 pounds.
My blood pressure is down to 119/79
And on average I am working out three days a week walking 2+ miles and lifting weights.
No abnormal breakthrough bleeding lets hope this persist, day 20 of my cycle. I think I did ovulate this month. I have been monitoring my BBT and charting it on my android using a app called 'my days'
Ok so here goes the fun part my life. Last time I was hear I talked about me and the hubbin arguing because he would not consent to start adoption processes, not even preliminary paperwork. He advised that we stay with God. I was really angry at him I felt like he did not understand.
But somewhere in there I realized that I am this man's wife, and I need to at least try to see his view point, that was my first revelation. It lead me to my second which is God is not in 'confusion' God is not into discourse, rebellion (of this fashion) and strife. He made me this man's wife and as such I need to remember what I am trying to grow into which is the Proverb's 31 woman. On top of that I had been praying for God to keep building Hubbin up in his leadership of this family, as he is already naturally a good leader but I always feel you need to keep your family especially your man lifted in prayer.
So what happens when you are praying God to cultivate leadership in your man to another level and in doing so the man disagrees with you in what you consider to be a mighty way. Well first, you pout, express your dissatisfaction with his answer and typically begin your you are a insensitive alien from the planet Male... LOL at least that is what I did. After that conversation, I then cried, and then I got into my word and realized the Lord tells wives, 'submit unto your husbands as unto the Lord....I got to thinking maybe this is an opportunity for me to submit to his leadership when we both are not on the same page, which rarely happens. I am blessed with a husband who I share very similar values with, so philosophically typically we are almost always on the same page. Execution, uuuuuuhhh well yeah one out of two ain't bad. (big smile)
Anyway, this revelation lead me to another one. Sometimes, as a woman even though your heart is in something, God is still about order. So in that I recognized my husband as the head of our household and decided that although I didn't like his answer I would respect it, stop hounding him about adoption and start to pray. See I realized the devil was HAVING a field day with my emotions like a field day for real ya'll.
Those conversations was last week. Over the weekend we prayed together and seperately. I went to Henry and said I was sorry for trying to manipulate him (ie tears and general upsetness) into doing what 'I' wanted him to do. He accepted my apology. That is when I started to pray more and more about being in the will being obedient to God's word that I believe he has given Henry and most of all, adhering i.e obeying to the order of the house...
Fast forward to this week. I am still very sad sometimes, I still pray over and for Amaya everyday. i am still unbelievably sad sometimes and stressed and lets not forget HUNGRY....ALWAYS HUNGRY...
I digress, anyway, this week I said ok I have to start getting myself out of this sadness and stress etc etc. So i started playing my praise and worship music. Like i started playing it Loud, thanking God for being my ever present source... The word says. "Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God" Psalm 42:11.....
The father is the help of my countenance, and I just had to keep praising him and seeking him and worshiping him and as my aunt says when I don't have anything elste to give, just say Jesus out of my mouth... When I want to cry our eat or eat and cry,,,, I actually literally say out of my mouth, even if it is just a whisper, "Jesus". I call on the name of the Lord God our Savior Jesus Christ. This week has been better, I get my praise music on and I pray and praise and worship and slowly but surely some of the dark edges are receding I am reminded that God has not forgotten me. He is in the midst of this situation he is working it out for the God of us who love Him our Lord.
Its good to know that God is my hope. I believe for Amaya. I believe for her being born an alive healthy, whole, happy, smart, lively, giving, sweet child that I will have the pleasure of dedicating back to the Lord......Praise and worship refreshed me so that I could keep believing. Obeying my husband and getting on the same accord again aloud me to hear and accept the word more.
God is in the midst people, God is working right now for your situation...
Saturday, March 23, 2013
3 more pounds
I am three pounds away from being 220. That is sooo awesome.
Today I am a little tired, and tired of the Atkins/Paleo...But it is working. My mama car is still broke, but next week she has a lighter week, so I will be able to go to the gym and she will pick up Hubbin and Bug on her way home. If i can get three days in that will be wonderful. To make up for the gym I have been walking around the neighborhood. Just trying to keep going you know.
This morning we did Layna's sight words and some alphabet. I would like to get into numbers and such today. But we will see. Hubbin is being so sweet to me. He is standing by his decision which is what a good leader would do. So I am praying to submit to his spiritual leadership of this family and to believe for Maya although not be as hurt by it all you know. Believe but not be so invested.
I did make a appointment at the endocrinologist, (reproductive endocronologist) at the ART Fertility center here in Birmingham. so we will see and blog how that goes. I am tired, I had been forgetting to take my Vitamin D pill (I have a deficiency)....So i am back on that.
More later, now down for a nap.
Today I am a little tired, and tired of the Atkins/Paleo...But it is working. My mama car is still broke, but next week she has a lighter week, so I will be able to go to the gym and she will pick up Hubbin and Bug on her way home. If i can get three days in that will be wonderful. To make up for the gym I have been walking around the neighborhood. Just trying to keep going you know.
This morning we did Layna's sight words and some alphabet. I would like to get into numbers and such today. But we will see. Hubbin is being so sweet to me. He is standing by his decision which is what a good leader would do. So I am praying to submit to his spiritual leadership of this family and to believe for Maya although not be as hurt by it all you know. Believe but not be so invested.
I did make a appointment at the endocrinologist, (reproductive endocronologist) at the ART Fertility center here in Birmingham. so we will see and blog how that goes. I am tired, I had been forgetting to take my Vitamin D pill (I have a deficiency)....So i am back on that.
More later, now down for a nap.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Brand New Day
Woke up this morning feeling better. Feeling like it is ok, its all ok. Going to apologize to the Hubbin for being so angry that he does not want to adopt, at least he wants to foster. I think maybe that will help. I have so much more love to give, that maybe it wasn't supposed to be to another biological child, but to help children in need. At this point I don't know....my mind is just trying to help my heart make sense of it all.
I know I can't keep on being angry that will destroy a marriage. Satan prowls about like a roaring lion seeking those he can devour. I think this whole situation is an example of that scripture, so instead, I am going to look for the positive in the situation and in my husband.
I am still heartbroken, but I am coping. I gave, all the newborn clothes away to the salvation army that helped, I couldn't breathe really you know. I couldn't keep looking at them. We are on track to go to the new parent foster class on the 29th, and I am getting braces today...So those are all good things.
Fighting depression not so much a good thing....but I am going to fight it with scripture and prayer.
I am also going to think about fasting, maybe I can grow closer to God by fasting. I need to be in the will, and the presence because I am so sad.
Still dieting, yaaaaayyyy right.
Thats all for today.
Whoop Whoop
I know I can't keep on being angry that will destroy a marriage. Satan prowls about like a roaring lion seeking those he can devour. I think this whole situation is an example of that scripture, so instead, I am going to look for the positive in the situation and in my husband.
I am still heartbroken, but I am coping. I gave, all the newborn clothes away to the salvation army that helped, I couldn't breathe really you know. I couldn't keep looking at them. We are on track to go to the new parent foster class on the 29th, and I am getting braces today...So those are all good things.
Fighting depression not so much a good thing....but I am going to fight it with scripture and prayer.
I am also going to think about fasting, maybe I can grow closer to God by fasting. I need to be in the will, and the presence because I am so sad.
Still dieting, yaaaaayyyy right.
Thats all for today.
Whoop Whoop
Thursday, March 21, 2013
New Focus
I am at the point where i can accept that maybe God does not want me to have another child. I accepted that, and since my husband does not wish to adopt, I suppose now I am accepting that there is a strong possibility that we are going to be a one child family.
I say this because I have not ovulated today is day 14, and I thought I had some mucous around day 12 and 11 but that could have not been. No ovulation no baby.... I feel so sad. I think when God says no you have to hear that too.
Instead of focusing on what I do not have, I am going to focus on the child I do have and the family I do have, (albeit much smaller than I envisioned for myself).... The word says God is close to the broken hearted and comforts those that have a contrite spirit.Psalms 34:18.. That would be me....I am actively fighting depression. I am angry to some degree unknown even to me, because my husband does not want to adopt. But i feel like I can't let everything be in rebellion. That doesn't make sense. I feel like I can't be in rebellion to my husband and still think that my decisions are in accordance to the will of God..... Sooooo
I pray Proverbs 34:18 amongst others, and refocus my energies on losing weight, getting my health together and getting into a better financial position. It occurred to me today that if Layna is going to be by herself, then I have to absolutely have to make sure she has a solid foundation spiritually, educationally, and financially. I want to make sure she can sustain herself in the world if something were to happen to me or her dad.
I wanted another child because both Henry and I are basically only children, his brother died, my eldest brother died, and my second oldest brother I don't see as much as I would like. Both of our families are older significantly, and we have no cousins close to speak of. So i just DIDN'T want her to be alone, so now I have to face the fact that she may very well be alone and I have to make sure she can make it---I pray for her husband, I am going to step up those prayers...I know what it is to be alone as a child, as I was raised really as an only child, my brothers have different mothers.
Anyway, the point of this post, is that I believe God is correct, and If i am experiencing this much push back on having a child or adopting, then I think I need to back off some and just fortify the one that I have, and make sure she knows God.....Even in this state of mind that I am in, I still want Layna to know God.
That is all.
I say this because I have not ovulated today is day 14, and I thought I had some mucous around day 12 and 11 but that could have not been. No ovulation no baby.... I feel so sad. I think when God says no you have to hear that too.
Instead of focusing on what I do not have, I am going to focus on the child I do have and the family I do have, (albeit much smaller than I envisioned for myself).... The word says God is close to the broken hearted and comforts those that have a contrite spirit.Psalms 34:18.. That would be me....I am actively fighting depression. I am angry to some degree unknown even to me, because my husband does not want to adopt. But i feel like I can't let everything be in rebellion. That doesn't make sense. I feel like I can't be in rebellion to my husband and still think that my decisions are in accordance to the will of God..... Sooooo
I pray Proverbs 34:18 amongst others, and refocus my energies on losing weight, getting my health together and getting into a better financial position. It occurred to me today that if Layna is going to be by herself, then I have to absolutely have to make sure she has a solid foundation spiritually, educationally, and financially. I want to make sure she can sustain herself in the world if something were to happen to me or her dad.
I wanted another child because both Henry and I are basically only children, his brother died, my eldest brother died, and my second oldest brother I don't see as much as I would like. Both of our families are older significantly, and we have no cousins close to speak of. So i just DIDN'T want her to be alone, so now I have to face the fact that she may very well be alone and I have to make sure she can make it---I pray for her husband, I am going to step up those prayers...I know what it is to be alone as a child, as I was raised really as an only child, my brothers have different mothers.
Anyway, the point of this post, is that I believe God is correct, and If i am experiencing this much push back on having a child or adopting, then I think I need to back off some and just fortify the one that I have, and make sure she knows God.....Even in this state of mind that I am in, I still want Layna to know God.
That is all.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Day 30.
Its day 30, and I am happy to report I found the culprit to this Paleo/Atkins diet I am on. It was the salad dressing. So back to balsamic vinegar and olive oil.
I am back in Ketosis, the scale says i have lost another half a pound. We will see.
Well lets review,
In 30 days I have lost about 11.5 lbs, blood pressure is down btwn 120/80 and 119/79, just seems to depend on when i check it. I feel great, have been working out, and walking around my neighborhood. I have not had ANY fast food in 30 days, not a cookie, a baked potato, a bean/rice or nothing. That is absolutely amazing for me.
In addition, Paleo has forced me to meal plan and shop every week. The result is I am prepared come dinner time, I am cooking ahead and waiiiiitttt for it... Yep I am saving a ton of money. Why you ask, well I will tell you why. Can't eat any cafeteria food on Paleo, you can on Atkins, but not Paleo so I have been taking my own lunch. That saves me about 10 dollars a day, I was eating breakfast and lunch at work. Also no eating out at restaurants, once or twice every other week. Again saving dollars. And finally no food is wasted cause we basically know what we are eating every day of the week, again because we have to menu plan the veggies to make sure they don't go bad. So overall I really like Paleo... I love the fresh vegetables we are eating and I love how I am not constipated all the time. I know that is TMI, but the fast food did make me have really bad bowel problems.
My goal is to keep going on the Paleo/Atkins till the 29th, then I go to my friends reception. There I will celebrate with a glass of wine and a piece of cake, then that Monday start back on Paleo Atkins.
This journey has been so deep. I know it may seem like a small thing to have not had basically any carbs and no prepared food fast or otherwise, it takes a deeper commitment.
Hubbin has been so great to me on this lifestyle change. He has made my salad for lunch almost every single day for work. He has made snacks for me, and helped me prep to cook. Most of all he bows his head with me and prays with me to the Lord. We pray for my hormones to be healed, we pray for me to ovulate, we pray to conceive. Yesterday, I was obviously having a bad diet/lifestyle/faith day and while we were praying over Amaya I broke down and started to cry in front of his job in the car. He continued the prayer for me. I was amazed at his spiritual leadership and love for me and this family at that moment. I thank God for him. Thank you Jesus.
Well it is 6:14 and the lil Layna Bug is up and in need of a hug and to get dressed. I leave you with these two scriptures that encourage me at my deepest darkest time.
Hebrews 10:35-36
35 So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.
36 You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.
and
I am back in Ketosis, the scale says i have lost another half a pound. We will see.
Well lets review,
In 30 days I have lost about 11.5 lbs, blood pressure is down btwn 120/80 and 119/79, just seems to depend on when i check it. I feel great, have been working out, and walking around my neighborhood. I have not had ANY fast food in 30 days, not a cookie, a baked potato, a bean/rice or nothing. That is absolutely amazing for me.
In addition, Paleo has forced me to meal plan and shop every week. The result is I am prepared come dinner time, I am cooking ahead and waiiiiitttt for it... Yep I am saving a ton of money. Why you ask, well I will tell you why. Can't eat any cafeteria food on Paleo, you can on Atkins, but not Paleo so I have been taking my own lunch. That saves me about 10 dollars a day, I was eating breakfast and lunch at work. Also no eating out at restaurants, once or twice every other week. Again saving dollars. And finally no food is wasted cause we basically know what we are eating every day of the week, again because we have to menu plan the veggies to make sure they don't go bad. So overall I really like Paleo... I love the fresh vegetables we are eating and I love how I am not constipated all the time. I know that is TMI, but the fast food did make me have really bad bowel problems.
My goal is to keep going on the Paleo/Atkins till the 29th, then I go to my friends reception. There I will celebrate with a glass of wine and a piece of cake, then that Monday start back on Paleo Atkins.
This journey has been so deep. I know it may seem like a small thing to have not had basically any carbs and no prepared food fast or otherwise, it takes a deeper commitment.
Hubbin has been so great to me on this lifestyle change. He has made my salad for lunch almost every single day for work. He has made snacks for me, and helped me prep to cook. Most of all he bows his head with me and prays with me to the Lord. We pray for my hormones to be healed, we pray for me to ovulate, we pray to conceive. Yesterday, I was obviously having a bad diet/lifestyle/faith day and while we were praying over Amaya I broke down and started to cry in front of his job in the car. He continued the prayer for me. I was amazed at his spiritual leadership and love for me and this family at that moment. I thank God for him. Thank you Jesus.
Well it is 6:14 and the lil Layna Bug is up and in need of a hug and to get dressed. I leave you with these two scriptures that encourage me at my deepest darkest time.
Hebrews 10:35-36
35 So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.
36 You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.
and
Matthew 19:26
26 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.
I will not throw away my confidence, the Lord knew Amaya even know before she was formed in my womb, he knew her, and he knew this moment right now i would be fighting for her, praying for her, loving her and believing for her. :D
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Day 29 Stressed Out
So I am not losing anymore weight. Can't figure out why. I am on the Atkins diet and the Paleo combined but the weight is not moving off for me anymore. I am still retaining water. Don't understand what is going on. I think I need a diuretic and maybe do a detox. I am going to try and do a detox today to figure out what the problem is. Another strange occurence is my body is not going into Ketosis like it normally does. Normally with the Atkins diet I would have lost another 7lbs by now....
What the heck is going on with me I promise you I do not know. This part of my life is crazy. The only good parts going on right now are my amazing hubby and my baby and the fact I passed my exam. Don't have much else to offer right now kinda stressed about the weight loss.
Scratch that I think I do have something else to say. It is so frustrating to be trying to lose weight to conceive and then you hit a weight plateau. I have literally had salad almost every day for lunch. Dinner time is between 500 to 600 calories, I haven't eaten anything out at all. No fast food, no cookies, no nothing for only 10 to 11 pounds and still retaining water. I am sooo stressed, I just want to get prenant, that is all. Killing myself on this diet is becoming a lot, but I know I have to get my weight down, and keep it down so I will ovulate on my own. I am so very very stressed about life at this point, and why weight seems to be the thing that I battle like non other.
I don't have any other dieting tricks to employ beyond atkiins and exercise and now I am not in Ketosis as much as I would like. That is confusing of itself. So now I am going to really watch it and see if i can get back into Ketosis and lose another 7lbs or so.... Sigh....
What the heck is going on with me I promise you I do not know. This part of my life is crazy. The only good parts going on right now are my amazing hubby and my baby and the fact I passed my exam.
Scratch that I think I do have something else to say. It is so frustrating to be trying to lose weight to conceive and then you hit a weight plateau. I have literally had salad almost every day for lunch. Dinner time is between 500 to 600 calories, I haven't eaten anything out at all. No fast food, no cookies, no nothing for only 10 to 11 pounds and still retaining water. I am sooo stressed, I just want to get prenant, that is all. Killing myself on this diet is becoming a lot, but I know I have to get my weight down, and keep it down so I will ovulate on my own. I am so very very stressed about life at this point, and why weight seems to be the thing that I battle like non other.
I don't have any other dieting tricks to employ beyond atkiins and exercise and now I am not in Ketosis as much as I would like. That is confusing of itself. So now I am going to really watch it and see if i can get back into Ketosis and lose another 7lbs or so.... Sigh....
Sunday, March 10, 2013
She Came....And Paleo/Atkins
As previously discussed throughout this blog, I am losing weight for my health and for increased fertility.
So here is where I am...Day 20. I am down 10 lbs, blood pressure is 120/78 down from 133/99...Go me. In addition to that my cycle came on its on without the help of Provera on day 18 of the diet, it is a regular cycle, seems a little short cause it is cycling down now on day three should be all done by day 4 which is Monday but again the great news I didn't have to put any more hormones in my body.
I am on day two of the Paleo Atkins diet, why paleo atkins, well I just needed a weight loss boast, Paleo had me at 10lbs, I know if I do induction Atkins combined with Paleo I should be able to lose another 10lbs in about 2 1/2 three weeks, so that is what I am going to do. The only thing I have let myself have that isn't a 100% Paleo is crystal light and a lil salad dressing from time to time only because my taste buds have started to get tired of just water and just balsamic vinegar. And i need to stay on this diet, sooo I made what i consider to be a small concession.
Everyday I pray for Amaya Shavonne Wheat, that is the name of my next child. I prayed that God would bring my periods back, which he did. I am praying that he allows my follicles to grow, and for us to conceive.....He will do it, I am healed and I am putting my faith to work with diet and exercise.
Speaking of exercise I am up to a 5.0 incline, burningn 400 + cals in a 40 minute session and I slowly bringing weights into the routine to help with blood flow and cont calories being burned after the session is done. I am going to get a book on toning my arms, cause when i get pregnant they are going to become my focal point since I will have to back down a lot from the cardio.
I am just going forit. I am not going to wallow in depression, I am going to keep going for it. I see this child, healthy and happy and whole.
After I have her, my goal is to get to 180 lbs. I know that is still on the larger side but in perspective it will be a drop of 54 lbs lost. Yeah that is a lot, and it is maintainable. Another thing I am doing is making a commitment to eat at home unless it is a special occasion like a birthday. I have learned my body simply can not process fast food. I get bloated, constipated and the pounds pack on me like no body's business, so if i want a burger I am going to make it here. If i want pancakes I am going to make gluten free pancakes here. You know what I mean. I just can't do fast food, not even really in moderation, even Subway blows me up....I don't know why exactly but it does.
Finally, I am studying for another designation at work. I am proud of my development, but I know the time for this is coming to an end. It is hard to get the time away from the family. Hubbin is almost done with school, my goal is to wrap up all things, time/education intensive by the time he is done and by the time our oldest is four which is just two years away. I can't imagine adding any kind of formal school activities to our already busy academic schedules. Things are changing in my life. I feel it more so than I used to. In 15 days I will be 31 years old. By 32, I want a lot of my 'to do' items to be done so I can focus on our family more.
I told Hubbin today, that I feel like families just don't get enough time together. I feel like kids don't get enough parental involvement, he agreed so we are making choices now to remedy that going forward even as we struggle to give our oldest her time, and then wait till she is sleep at night to get to work on our 'development'.....yeah,,, we are winding these things up.... the time for them has come and gone, and we are working to end it on a strong note.
Nothing else to say today, lets just pray I can keep on this stricter diet for at least the 14 day induction cycle....I am prayerful of ovulating this month and getting pregnant this month. Again the reason I am on a strict carb diet is because I have read countless articles for medical journals, blogs, and fertility stories that talk about limiting carbs help with fertility. Really it is because it controls the blood sugar levels better. I will stop the induction diet after or around day 14 because ketosis can be harmful to a fetus.
See ya soon all.
Keda
So here is where I am...Day 20. I am down 10 lbs, blood pressure is 120/78 down from 133/99...Go me. In addition to that my cycle came on its on without the help of Provera on day 18 of the diet, it is a regular cycle, seems a little short cause it is cycling down now on day three should be all done by day 4 which is Monday but again the great news I didn't have to put any more hormones in my body.
I am on day two of the Paleo Atkins diet, why paleo atkins, well I just needed a weight loss boast, Paleo had me at 10lbs, I know if I do induction Atkins combined with Paleo I should be able to lose another 10lbs in about 2 1/2 three weeks, so that is what I am going to do. The only thing I have let myself have that isn't a 100% Paleo is crystal light and a lil salad dressing from time to time only because my taste buds have started to get tired of just water and just balsamic vinegar. And i need to stay on this diet, sooo I made what i consider to be a small concession.
Everyday I pray for Amaya Shavonne Wheat, that is the name of my next child. I prayed that God would bring my periods back, which he did. I am praying that he allows my follicles to grow, and for us to conceive.....He will do it, I am healed and I am putting my faith to work with diet and exercise.
Speaking of exercise I am up to a 5.0 incline, burningn 400 + cals in a 40 minute session and I slowly bringing weights into the routine to help with blood flow and cont calories being burned after the session is done. I am going to get a book on toning my arms, cause when i get pregnant they are going to become my focal point since I will have to back down a lot from the cardio.
I am just going forit. I am not going to wallow in depression, I am going to keep going for it. I see this child, healthy and happy and whole.
After I have her, my goal is to get to 180 lbs. I know that is still on the larger side but in perspective it will be a drop of 54 lbs lost. Yeah that is a lot, and it is maintainable. Another thing I am doing is making a commitment to eat at home unless it is a special occasion like a birthday. I have learned my body simply can not process fast food. I get bloated, constipated and the pounds pack on me like no body's business, so if i want a burger I am going to make it here. If i want pancakes I am going to make gluten free pancakes here. You know what I mean. I just can't do fast food, not even really in moderation, even Subway blows me up....I don't know why exactly but it does.
Finally, I am studying for another designation at work. I am proud of my development, but I know the time for this is coming to an end. It is hard to get the time away from the family. Hubbin is almost done with school, my goal is to wrap up all things, time/education intensive by the time he is done and by the time our oldest is four which is just two years away. I can't imagine adding any kind of formal school activities to our already busy academic schedules. Things are changing in my life. I feel it more so than I used to. In 15 days I will be 31 years old. By 32, I want a lot of my 'to do' items to be done so I can focus on our family more.
I told Hubbin today, that I feel like families just don't get enough time together. I feel like kids don't get enough parental involvement, he agreed so we are making choices now to remedy that going forward even as we struggle to give our oldest her time, and then wait till she is sleep at night to get to work on our 'development'.....yeah,,, we are winding these things up.... the time for them has come and gone, and we are working to end it on a strong note.
Nothing else to say today, lets just pray I can keep on this stricter diet for at least the 14 day induction cycle....I am prayerful of ovulating this month and getting pregnant this month. Again the reason I am on a strict carb diet is because I have read countless articles for medical journals, blogs, and fertility stories that talk about limiting carbs help with fertility. Really it is because it controls the blood sugar levels better. I will stop the induction diet after or around day 14 because ketosis can be harmful to a fetus.
See ya soon all.
Keda
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Day 17
I feel like I have done something wrong in this life. I feel like maybe this is punishment. My period still has not come. I am not pregnant. And to date in this whole 17 day process i have only lost about 10lb's... I am bloated, like my period is trying to come but it won't come. I don't want to take the progesterone pills Provera because that is introducing a whole nother set of hormones into my body, that may or may not help...
I have ordered Raspberry leaf tea, it will be here today, CD 42. From the endless research I have done online they say it will help my cycle come.
I woke up this morning and repented, I don't know if I have done something that has displeased God or what, but this part of life is proving to be hard for me. Children are close to my heart, and I am believing God for one more child. I am so ashamed, ashamed that eating and weight gain has stalled my chances of having a child and here I am having to get back down to a reasonable weight to at least hopefully try and get pregnant without medical intervention.
Food maybe my sin, gluttony. But like I said before food is a balm....I praise God, I will remain in belief for another child, but it is hard especially when your period has not come and the one time you tried fertility drugs your cervical mucus dried up, and you normally on time periods stalled.
I am so sad..... I am trying to wait on God and put works behind my faith but I am so sad Lord. I don't know what to do....
The diet does give me energy....It has helped my skin, I do fee like I am doing better all the way around on it, so I guess I can't complain on that front. I have been doing low carb, but now I am about to do atkins induction phase paleo style.
Why well, it is really hard for me to lose weight. I have only been having one fruit a day, but still my weight loss kinda stalls a little here and there.
My typical menu is
boiled egg or and omlet for breakfast
half of apple and some pecans for a snack
salad with toppings but no dressing just oil and vinegar for lunch
other half of my apple with almond butter for a snack to help me get to the gym.
dinner is a meet with veggies.
Any other person would be losing weight like 40 going north. I have lost btwn 9-10 lbs depending on how much water I am retaining that day.
Vitamins, I am taking my iron pill, my thyroid pill, vitamin D, magnesium/calcium/zinc/ and I am about to start taking a B complex pill as well as a cinnamon tablet. Why the cinnamon, well it is said to help normal blood sugar functioning, which will help stabilize my blood sugar which hopefully will aid me in getting pregnant.
You soo I have learned so much from some many blogs, research sites etc, and THERE IS A LINK between, difficulty getting pregnant, blood sugar, estrogen dominance, pcos, all of that.....
But every site, all the information that I have found have one thing in common, Lose Weight.....If you lose weight it will help with the estrogen dominance, and maybe some pcos symptoms as well. If you work out it will even help your body absorb some of the free estrogen in your body and help it cycle through and out through your waste. So here I am in the gym as well. Treadmill 2+ miles, 40+ min to an hour, on average burning 400-500cals any given session.
(Side Note) It is hard getting to the gym, like really hard, so much is going on. My mom is using my car her car quit on here me and hubbin are car pooling, so we get up extra extra early, and if he drops me off he comes to get me at my job, I hop in the car we if we beat traffic, we can get to the gym and I have exactly 50 min to get a treadmill get my two miles in and then I rush out and we are racing to get home, to get the lil one. If i have the car, same thing except I leave the gym and go back and get him.
Its a lot but we are doing it.
I feel bad, I am sad, I am devastated on some levels, but thanking God for the child he did give to us, and how beautiful and perfect and happy and healthy she is. I pray for more, I am repenting for even being in this position in the first place, and trying really hard to get my body back on track.....
That is all blog you know., I don't have anything else today, it is taking all i have to stay on this diet and not to fall into a depression.
If anyone uses food as a balm, then they know what it is like to confront that it is quietly destroying your body, but you still desire it to make the pain of somethings in life go away. Hubbin calls food an internal hug...I guess I was huggin myself with food too much.
I have ordered Raspberry leaf tea, it will be here today, CD 42. From the endless research I have done online they say it will help my cycle come.
I woke up this morning and repented, I don't know if I have done something that has displeased God or what, but this part of life is proving to be hard for me. Children are close to my heart, and I am believing God for one more child. I am so ashamed, ashamed that eating and weight gain has stalled my chances of having a child and here I am having to get back down to a reasonable weight to at least hopefully try and get pregnant without medical intervention.
Food maybe my sin, gluttony. But like I said before food is a balm....I praise God, I will remain in belief for another child, but it is hard especially when your period has not come and the one time you tried fertility drugs your cervical mucus dried up, and you normally on time periods stalled.
I am so sad..... I am trying to wait on God and put works behind my faith but I am so sad Lord. I don't know what to do....
The diet does give me energy....It has helped my skin, I do fee like I am doing better all the way around on it, so I guess I can't complain on that front. I have been doing low carb, but now I am about to do atkins induction phase paleo style.
Why well, it is really hard for me to lose weight. I have only been having one fruit a day, but still my weight loss kinda stalls a little here and there.
My typical menu is
boiled egg or and omlet for breakfast
half of apple and some pecans for a snack
salad with toppings but no dressing just oil and vinegar for lunch
other half of my apple with almond butter for a snack to help me get to the gym.
dinner is a meet with veggies.
Any other person would be losing weight like 40 going north. I have lost btwn 9-10 lbs depending on how much water I am retaining that day.
Vitamins, I am taking my iron pill, my thyroid pill, vitamin D, magnesium/calcium/zinc/ and I am about to start taking a B complex pill as well as a cinnamon tablet. Why the cinnamon, well it is said to help normal blood sugar functioning, which will help stabilize my blood sugar which hopefully will aid me in getting pregnant.
You soo I have learned so much from some many blogs, research sites etc, and THERE IS A LINK between, difficulty getting pregnant, blood sugar, estrogen dominance, pcos, all of that.....
But every site, all the information that I have found have one thing in common, Lose Weight.....If you lose weight it will help with the estrogen dominance, and maybe some pcos symptoms as well. If you work out it will even help your body absorb some of the free estrogen in your body and help it cycle through and out through your waste. So here I am in the gym as well. Treadmill 2+ miles, 40+ min to an hour, on average burning 400-500cals any given session.
(Side Note) It is hard getting to the gym, like really hard, so much is going on. My mom is using my car her car quit on here me and hubbin are car pooling, so we get up extra extra early, and if he drops me off he comes to get me at my job, I hop in the car we if we beat traffic, we can get to the gym and I have exactly 50 min to get a treadmill get my two miles in and then I rush out and we are racing to get home, to get the lil one. If i have the car, same thing except I leave the gym and go back and get him.
Its a lot but we are doing it.
I feel bad, I am sad, I am devastated on some levels, but thanking God for the child he did give to us, and how beautiful and perfect and happy and healthy she is. I pray for more, I am repenting for even being in this position in the first place, and trying really hard to get my body back on track.....
That is all blog you know., I don't have anything else today, it is taking all i have to stay on this diet and not to fall into a depression.
If anyone uses food as a balm, then they know what it is like to confront that it is quietly destroying your body, but you still desire it to make the pain of somethings in life go away. Hubbin calls food an internal hug...I guess I was huggin myself with food too much.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Balm
I used food as a balm to soothe me. I don't drink, well not to excess, don't smoke etc. So food is my drug of choice.....I used it a lot to help me get through devestation. For example when my toxic ex broke up with me...... I was stangley happy about it but devestated that nothing was salvaged not even friendship....But what did I do on that day he put my shit in the car with my dogs' stuff all mixed in. I sat on my bed in that hotel room and said FUCK HIM AND FUCK THIS....HE CAN'T HAVE IT ALL....Now i am a Christian, woman but at the time I didn't say oh let me pray for him ,no I said fuck this, and then I promptly went to Olive Garden had some Chicken fettuccine Alfredo, while i cried into my wine and started to plan on how to rebuild my life...... that's the truth.
When i think back on that situation, the aftermath, the time spent with someone who I KNEW IN MY SOUL DID NOT LOVE ME....that also made me sad. I was stupid for wasting my twenties, with someone who if I was real real with me not only did not love me he also didn't like me. Didn't like my goofiness, and my lack of short skirt extra high heel style. What he did like was the fact that i can balance a check book, I could save, I was career oriented, and I am naturally a giver, so he was more than willing to take.... I didn't realize someone being inclined to take from me did not mean, that they were inclined to love me. Totally never really occured to me AT ALL. But i got over that with food, like i got over all the other little and big pitfalls of my life, with food. Food! Food! Food!...So now maybe writing, exercising, and getting into the word of God will help me with this food addiction. Lets call a spade a spade, if you eat when you are sad, stressed, nervous, anxious, tired, confused, happy or any other emotion, you have a food addiction. If you think about food almost as much as any other topic you have a food addiction. I could go on and on... But you get the point, if food is a central theme in your day/life/social circle you have a food addiction, and I am finally being real enough with myself to say that is the truth about me. I have a food addiction. And i am going to overcome it and not pass it down to my children.
When i think back on that situation, the aftermath, the time spent with someone who I KNEW IN MY SOUL DID NOT LOVE ME....that also made me sad. I was stupid for wasting my twenties, with someone who if I was real real with me not only did not love me he also didn't like me. Didn't like my goofiness, and my lack of short skirt extra high heel style. What he did like was the fact that i can balance a check book, I could save, I was career oriented, and I am naturally a giver, so he was more than willing to take.... I didn't realize someone being inclined to take from me did not mean, that they were inclined to love me. Totally never really occured to me AT ALL. But i got over that with food, like i got over all the other little and big pitfalls of my life, with food. Food! Food! Food!...So now maybe writing, exercising, and getting into the word of God will help me with this food addiction. Lets call a spade a spade, if you eat when you are sad, stressed, nervous, anxious, tired, confused, happy or any other emotion, you have a food addiction. If you think about food almost as much as any other topic you have a food addiction. I could go on and on... But you get the point, if food is a central theme in your day/life/social circle you have a food addiction, and I am finally being real enough with myself to say that is the truth about me. I have a food addiction. And i am going to overcome it and not pass it down to my children.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Faith without works is dead
I am running with this particular title to remind myself and anyone who is listening that this weight lose is about increased fertility as well as about my health.
I have made a major decision concerning my views on fertility, having a second child etc.
That decision is I am no longer going to take fertility medicine. I didn't like Letrozole, which is the generic of Femera... It has prolonged my period, and now my doctor wants to give me Provera, which is basically,progesterone. I don't want to keep putting all of these hormones in my body. I could not sleep tonight wrestling with the decision. I mean I literally could not sleep my soul was not at ease with the decision. So i have decided to let my body reset naturally. I am going to continue on this diet and I am not going to take Provera, or another round of Letrozole. Why you ask becauseee.........
It is not well with my soul.I woke hubbin up at 2am to discuss this, after some bleary eyed guffs and gawws he finally was like I agree no more fertility meds. His exact works were I wasn't comfortable with that route anyway but I could tell it was so close to your heart you needed to try...We are now on one accord.
I have researched researched researched and it looks like one of the main things causing this annovulation is being so grossly overweight. So I am going to stay on this low carb paleo diet and give my body some time.
My story with carbs goes back many many moons, but recently when we had only one car and was trying to pay off our debt I over indulged, like that is probably not even the half of it. I gorged on starches, sugars cookies fast food. You name it I was there. And of the 60lbs I gained in pregnancy and the 40 I had managed to lose I put on another 20 of that 40..doing the above.
As i have stated in this post previously research has shown that at least for people like myself a low carb count and exercise will help lose weight reduce insulin resistance, and overall get me going down the road of a more fertile me. ....So here we go....
Side note, learning what I am learning I will never let my daughters, yes claiming the second one, eat fast food two and three times a week, or even two or three times a month. Something is changing in me. I am getting mad, mad at myself for getting to this stage.
Update I am down another pound. Hoping to get down another 10/15 by end of March.
I have made a major decision concerning my views on fertility, having a second child etc.
That decision is I am no longer going to take fertility medicine. I didn't like Letrozole, which is the generic of Femera... It has prolonged my period, and now my doctor wants to give me Provera, which is basically,progesterone. I don't want to keep putting all of these hormones in my body. I could not sleep tonight wrestling with the decision. I mean I literally could not sleep my soul was not at ease with the decision. So i have decided to let my body reset naturally. I am going to continue on this diet and I am not going to take Provera, or another round of Letrozole. Why you ask becauseee.........
It is not well with my soul.I woke hubbin up at 2am to discuss this, after some bleary eyed guffs and gawws he finally was like I agree no more fertility meds. His exact works were I wasn't comfortable with that route anyway but I could tell it was so close to your heart you needed to try...We are now on one accord.
I have researched researched researched and it looks like one of the main things causing this annovulation is being so grossly overweight. So I am going to stay on this low carb paleo diet and give my body some time.
My story with carbs goes back many many moons, but recently when we had only one car and was trying to pay off our debt I over indulged, like that is probably not even the half of it. I gorged on starches, sugars cookies fast food. You name it I was there. And of the 60lbs I gained in pregnancy and the 40 I had managed to lose I put on another 20 of that 40..doing the above.
As i have stated in this post previously research has shown that at least for people like myself a low carb count and exercise will help lose weight reduce insulin resistance, and overall get me going down the road of a more fertile me. ....So here we go....
Side note, learning what I am learning I will never let my daughters, yes claiming the second one, eat fast food two and three times a week, or even two or three times a month. Something is changing in me. I am getting mad, mad at myself for getting to this stage.
Update I am down another pound. Hoping to get down another 10/15 by end of March.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)