Friends...God is Correct and Fostering

Today Today Today.....today has been a deep day.

Vitals: I am so happy to report my period came on its own right at 27 days from my last period. I have not lost or gained any weight which I am also happy about. I am praying to ovulate. That is my hope, my goal, my desire, my prayer.

I have a meeting with a integrated health dr who is also a Armour prescribe.  I am hoping to switch from levothyroxine to Armour I used to feel much better on Armour.

One of my friends at work is pregnant. I am sooo excited for her, but if I am honest with myself, I did feel a little pang, a little sadness. But it wasn't the sharp about to cry pain instead it was a 'ok' pain if there is such a thing. A ok pain basically means that I am leaning on what I learned from Dena years ago, God is correct, whether or not I get pregnant again or not God is correct. Do I still hope, do i still pray about it yes, but God is correct and I am on a every day mission to be ok with that always.

Fast forward to me getting off of work, well at that point I went to our foster parenting classes. I don't know if I talk about fostering here much, but the hubby and I have decided to foster. We believe that it is a great way to give back, a great way to use all this love we still have that covers Layna and then overflows unto others.  I just feel it. I don't know... I can't unpack that emotion, so I won't.

But what I love about these classes is I think they are helping me and Henni become better parents, hearing about reward systems, attachment etc etc, yeah happy for this experience.

Lastly I suppose is my life, at least who I am becoming in my life. On the way home Henni asked me do I just discuss life's lil moments with anyone of my friends in particular. And I said to him you know my aunt has always said that in life you go through seasons. She said sometimes for a decade you are in an action mode, sometimes a quiet mode, sometimes angry or talkative, that doesn't mean that is all everyday just that when you look at that time in your life you realize you were learning something then going through some emotion that was more dominant than the rest.

This season of my life I have become much more introspective. I am my own conversation if that makes sense, and all through I have friends that I talk to, I don't talk to anyone about the totality of my life my thoughts, fears, successes  insecurities etc.  I mean I am jut now learning to talk to God about those things, and in prayer I talk about the above. In my quiet time I contemplate me, who I am, what is important to me. I contemplate the choices I have made by mere acquiescence and the ones I have made boldly and assuredly. So I say to Hubbin  "no I don't really talk to anyone like that" mostly because this is a time in my life where I am quiet, where I am changing and coming into what this life I have been blessed to have and this family we have created is really about.

I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but I suppose the totality of it all is this.

' I am living life while at the same time I am observing myself and this life and the choices and decisions, I have made while I am making them.' That's strange, but it is what I am doing.....

Im Back

I'm back.... been gone a while had a work meeting out of town.

It taught me two things. One the stage in my life where I used to travel for my job I can never return to. Why? I missed my family way toooooooooo much on even a week long trip no way I could do the three four month assignments I used to do.

The second thing it taught me is that I am so thankful for my life, for my loved ones, my child, my husband and mother and family. I am so thankful. I asked God for this life a long time ago and he blessed me with this life, and my job, my role, and my joy is being here loving the people God has allowed into my life.

Being away allowed me to finish grieving, pray, and read and prioritize. One thing I am recommitted to is losing weight just for me. I want to lose 40lbs by the end of this year. I am hoping really to lose it by the end of October but the end of the year is ok too. I am ready, ready to be a better me....

Sad, but moving on

I am moving on. This post is no longer going to be about fertility. This post is instead going to be about me losing weight for me and for the one's the Lord has blessed me with already. Tonight I was looking around my house and have seen how the house has become a home over the last four years. I see the man sleeping in bed with me, he is my hubby and more than that he is my friend. I forgive him and me for letting fertility take over our lives and our marriage. I am working on actively forgiving him every day and every time I think about it for not wanting to adopt.

Instead, I choose to think of all the times he has forgiven me for this or that, and I remember that that is what marriage is about forgiveness and love and being happy in the good times...These are good times, but sadly for a long while now at least a year I have chosen not to focus on the good but on what I thought would be the 'completion' of our family. Our family is complete, and that chapter of my life is over......

I choose to move on..........I choose to heal and let it be ok. I choose to say thank you Jesus for your love and your many blessings and the child you have already given us. I choose to raise her to the best of my ability to be a God fearing woman. I choose not to continue to mourn, and grieve which is what i was doing......

That is all for today.

When God says No

Today isn't the best day, I am on CD 14 and Clear Blue Easy Says low fertility.
That's ok, I know I am not ovulating, no cervical mucus either.

I tried to talk to Henry about our options, drugs, adoption, or just understanding and just having Layna and being happy we have Layna.

He doesn't want to do fertility drugs, doesn't want to adopt, so now I am saying Ok maybe this is God's way of saying no to another child. If so I am still going to love God and worship God.... I am going to pray for this marriage and to not resent my husband for leaving Layna alone in the world without a sibling, I went through that so I know that story.

Its ok, you know. God is correct I will hold on to that.

Keda

Encouragement

Today I walked about two miles with my mom. Yeppers we are talking again, we don't stay mad long lol. Nothing new to report.

I leave you with this little bit of encouragement.

Genesis 15:5-6
He took him outside and said, "Look up at the sky and count the stars--if indeed you can count them." Then he said to him, "So shall your offspring be." And Abram believed the LORD, and the LORD counted him as righteous because of his faith

I choose to believe that I will ovulate and have Amaya who is a healthy happy baby. 

Pollen

The pollen in Alabama is freaking unbelievable. it is like on the 97.5% scale every day. They say this is the highest pollen count in years. I believe Mr. Weatherman too because everyday I have to take Zyrtec and a decongestant just to function. I have stopped taking the decongestant because well I have a life and I can not sleep it away. The decongestant puts me to sleep in under thirty minutes. Soo i have been slightly miserable with the sinus issues plus this damn pollen causing me to go into hibernation.
I have broken down and decided to take a allergy shot, possibly. I really don't like them because I get kinda nauseous, but we will see. I know i have to stop taking the Zyrtec and decongestant anyway because if I get pregnant this month they could harm the fetus. So I am weaning myself off of them anyway.

On another note, now that I have stopped eating fast food, and have stopped eating a lot of food from boxes, guess what has happened, I am not getting boils anymore. I used to get boils under my arms and they would get so big that I couldn't rest my arm a certain way. When they were ready to pop this infected green foul smelling puss would come out. It wasn't until my hubbin pointed out to me that the reason I was not getting boils on this diet is because my body doesn't have anything that it needs to detox. I know I probably sound like a dumb A**, but this blog is about honest right, I honestly didn't know why I was getting the boils, I went to the dermatologist and he told me 'dark' skinned people. i.e black folk were more prone to them and that was all. I didn't think anything else of it, because I had had them for years like before my highschool years so his explanation made sense. But then I also had a very bad diet back then too. So there ya go.

I am so happy that I have been able to stay on this diet for so long. I am 219lbs, normally when I reach this point I get cocky and go off the diet, it may be because I get tired of such a restrictive diet. This time though I am keeping going and I am so proud. Hopefully I get pregnant this month, I have been praying that I do. If not I am going to have my free days at the end of the month then go right back on. Then my new goal will be to get below 210....

When, and I do mean when I get pregnant, I am going to take a different approach to my nutrition than I did last time. I am going to eat from home, no fast food, incorporate more fruit, less carbs, and more veggies. I am of course not going to go so low carb that I go into Ketosis, as we know that can harm a fetus, but I will not be eating bread/potato's/chips etc in large quantities as apart of my everyday diet. I will walk more but not to lose weight rather to keep my blood pressure and blood sugar regulated more. I am so happy that I am doing better with my eating, but I am not going to lie, I am scared. I don't know how long I can keep the weight off. So I really want to get pregnant soon. Still I am going to keep going keep dieting and keep exercising.

There is a tilapia recipe with salmon I am going to try soon to very the meat up.

Till next time.

Keda

Alayna.

Well lets see, I have not lost any more weight. I have maintained what I lost. I am still on the Atkins Paleo diet. Blood pressure is down, and I am working out still.

A fabulous great thing happened,  my cycle came on its own, it was a couple days earlier than 30 days, but still good date wise. Praise God. 

I feel like on this blog I never talk about the great things I have going in my life. For example my wonderful husband, he and I don't always agree, especially if my emotions are high on a subject, but we love each other and take care of one another and pray for one another, and a better life mate I couldn't ask for. 

My daughter is the light of my life. I love her sooo much and realize on an even deeper level the 'gift' the 'miracle' of being pregnant and delivering a child.

So yeah this post is a THANK YOU JESUS post for the many blessings you have bestowed on me. 

Ok its been nine days.

Ok so it has been nine days. There has been so much going on that I honestly have not had a chance to get back to this blog.

Let me start by giving you my vitals.

Blood pressure still 120/79
I weight 220lbs if you have been keeping track that is a weight loss of 14lbs, when i began this journey I weight 234lbs. So I am ok with that weight loss, my next goal is to get to 210lbs.
I am still walking and working out, although this week not as frequently. Reason being is my mom's car is still broke so she is using our car and me and the Hubbin are carpooling, yeah so getting to the gym and back in time to pick up the lil from daycare isn't   as much. So what is my fix to that. I have been walking in the neighborhood, these hills have been doing the job some but i miss the the treadmill.

Now lets get down to my cycle, after my last post my cycle came on its on the very next day, right at 25,  while that isn't a perfect 28 days, I am still thrilled. Glory be to God my cycle came on its own. Right now I am watching my CM and I was temping but that was off because I have been sick so this month won't be as reliable as last month temp wise.

I am scheduled to ovulate on the 16th, with a fertility appointment on the 22nd, first I could get. I just pray we conceive this month naturally on our own. I don't want to start with all this fertility crap again.

Now lets talk food. I have been a Atkins, mostly Paleo girl since our last talk. I slipped up once and ate out at a restaurant, still low carb there though. I am tired of dieting at this point, but I am believing God so deeply for our daughter that its like who cares, pass the salad, the salmon, the chicken, the veggies... Cause that is basically my diet, eggs, salad, salmons, chicken, steak, veggies etc. Because I wasn't losing that much weight till I started limiting carbs my diet became even more restricted. That is ok with me though you know, as long as the weight keeps coming off slow and steady.

As far as meds go I have been taking my levothyroxine, folic acid, iron, calcium pills. I was thinking of taking Vitex, but i am so scared of taking anything not prescribed. I just am prayerful that through diet and exercise I will be able to get pregnant. We pray, meaning hubbin and I pray daily for Amaya.

Mental self, I am not as sad anymore primarily because I have been getting my praise on on on. I praise God on the way to work, I have my scriptures together and praise and pray at work. I pray and praise a lot, some days are better than others but I have made a decision to pray and praise God and still believe whatever the result He is CORRECT.

Plus whenever I take a moment to reflect on my life, not focus on fertility,  I realize I have an awesome life. I have a man I adore, a daughter who God blessed us with, a job I love, I am just blessed, so this season/test whatever you want to call it. Well, the Lord is still present, and he is going to move for us in his time. I am just trying to prepare myself. I mean after all it was me who got this big. See there it is the hard part. I am the one who gained the weight but I swear, I can gain weight like nobody's business even with regular exercise I still need to 'really' watch what I eat. Right now this diet and this lifestyle change of constantly cooking and being really conscious of what I cook wasn't enough, I had to decrease my carbs to a level below a typical south beach diet.... that's hard...But I want to give us a chance, I want to give my next child a chance.


That is all for now. See ya soon.

Keda

Straight Jacket---Day Two Paleo/Atkins Induction

"I feel like I am wearing a straight jacket." Hubbin looks at me with the big eyes and says "really."

That is a little clip from the conversation on the way home. But it spells out exactly how I feel. I feel like I am wearing a straight jacket when I am dieting. Especially since the only diet that has really worked for me that is sustainable and affordable is the Paleo/Atkins diet.  I have done every diet out there from the shredders, to the shakes, to a form of HCG, nothing works for real like Atkins for my body type. 

I read an article not too long ago that talked about how people are carbohydrate intolerant, meaning that they will always have to be on a something of a maintenance Atkins plan in order to maintain their body  weight, blood sugar, etc etc. That basically sums me up. Over the weekend we took off, I gained four pounds, and my stomach started to look like some monster out a B movie... It puffed up like nobody's business. Sigh. 

So here I am on day two of this new month, still charting BBT's, still on this diet, and still actively praising God listening to worship music, and holding on to my faith. 

Let me take a moment to tell you about this faith thing. I am not holding on to my faith gracefully. I cry, I moan, I am sad, I grieve this process. I am sad that I had gotten so big my body stopped ovulating. Like whoa dilla, that is crazy....my body stopped ovulating... when I think about that I have to take a step back so I don't scream and fall down crying. It is overwhelming for me to think they I am not ovulating. So you see, the fact that I still go to church, still chose to believe God is correct and still am choosing to believe his will whatever it is, is correct, is me HOLDING ON TO MY FAITH.... I wish it looked better, I wished I could just stand and not be sad and cry and be upset, but I haven't grown to that point yet. 

Hubbin says I do things with my whole self, and I know that he is correct in that statement. For example I don't endeavor to just be a good wife and an average mother. I hope to be a great wife, and a great mother. Why is that because I feel sooo blessed to be a wife and a mother. I started out my young life early 20's all into my career but my heart always sought a time where I would have a companion and kids on my heels, and now that I have that I want them to know they are the manifestation of God's love for me. So when it comes to having more children, I am pursuing that with my whole person, with a single-mindedness that I bring to most things. The frustration is this is one of the great mysteries of life, I am not in control of this, all I can do is present my request to God, have faith and put my work i.e losing weight behind it. 

My fear is that I will never have another child, or it will be years from now when Layna is too old to really have this second child as a playmate. That fear lies in my heart like a stone pulling me down and the only thing that keeps me from drowning is I believe God's will is correct either way, and I also know he hears me cry from the inside, I am crying on the inside. 

When I imagine God, I typically imagine Jesus, and we are sitting on the beach facing the ocean. He has his legs pulled up with his arms wrapped around his legs and I do the same and we are just looking out at the ocean, and it is a calming thought for me. That is where I am now, I guess, facing the ocean with Jesus by my side and I am crying from the inside out. 

I leave you with this scripture, with this battle cry:

Romans 8:11

And if the Spirit of him who raise Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.