Sleep evades me at night, and with the BP issues and just everything in between by the time Sunday gets here I am just fatigued. But this morning I woke up wanting to go to the house of the Lord. I needed to get our family back into the house of the Lord. That was my thought. Not that I needed a word, just that hey Team Wheatie spends time with the Lord worshipping and learning..... So we went to church.
Man let me tell you the stress that I was under, the body tiredness and all of that that both hubbin and I were feeling was on us. I was struggling to keep my attitude cheery and not letting the strain show through. I was losing that battle.
Friday hubbin and I discussed the c-section and he said finally he did not agree but would support. Which is not our way, hubbin and I are always like 99% of the time on the same page, but I was so scared I was like okay if he consents then that isn't really rebellion. So i called the dr and said we have decided to schedule a elective c-section. Dr calls back and says ummm no that is not an option you have right now, goes on to explain that we need to stick to the plan check the baby on Monday and see if a csection is best course of action, but as for right now we don't want to go that drastic. Hubby was in the background nodding his head. I of course was frustrated! Big sis calls and says Keda be still, vaginal is best unless otherwise stated.
So why was I frustrated, well two reasons. One I felt like okay csection, would be less stressful than birth, dr dispelled that in his discussion, and two, i was scared cause Alex was so high. Like I told Dr, it isn't about me being frustrated with still being pregnant, and having to still be uncomfortable/ I just love my baby. and my MIND, Lord Lord Keda's mind is a problem solving mind. My mind is like well if a csection is a possible third option, lets just cut me and get my baby out and put him in my arms so that I can love him and take care of him and protect him even more. To me going the drastic route with surgery (drastic for the woman) was the best course of action, cause I am not worried about me. My mind my heart is focused on Alex.
I am the type of person I entertain very little fear, not scared of life in any sense, not scared of death or this thing or that thing etc, I feel like, hey I know Jesus, so its whatever, Ohhh but when it comes to my family, my husband, my children.... I am the first to holler chicken, give it all away to make them safe.
Hubbin puts it this way, I have no real deep regard for my own personal safety. He doesn't say this to say I am reckless, no that is not it at all. He says that because I am more prone to look out for them than me. He says it is his job to look out for me. I suppose so, cause I think it is my personal mission to look out for him and the kids. They cough wrong, I'm like what's that, where is the cough syrup, call the pediatrician. Yes I am that mama. Flu season comes, I have everybody in the house taking vitamin C and echinacea. So you seeing going into major surgery electively for my child is not a big stretch for me. But when the Dr advised that more c section babies end up in the NICU than vaginally born and that instead of going that route we should keep to the plan and that he would be watching baby closely and doing what is right for baby regardless, I calmed down.
I calmed down because obviously at that moment, when I am running around in fear and not faith, God said 'let me stop this girl.'
The "no" was stressful, I cried and then I prayed. Which leads me to today Sunday. Got up at 4am prayed and then later on we went to church.
Our pastor preached from the book of James on Trials and Temptations. He quoted some of my favorite scriptures on Trials, many of which are in this blog. But what really blessed my spirit was at the end Pastor Chris said, "I know you are exhausted, but if you would just keep going pressing forward, you will receive all God has for you'...
That touched me so cause I am exhausted in my spirit, but here I stand Lord, believing you for Alexander's very life. Thanking you for this child born happy healthy and whole. When the devil attacks my mind with fears out of my mouth I speak God's blessing over Alex. When I can't sleep I pray, when it is quiet I pray. Not just for Alex, but for my noble Hubbin who is tired to, for my Layna who needs her mama back to be her play mate. i am constantly in a some kind of prayer.
But this I know God is able, and Alex will be born happy and healthy and whole and alive with all of his functions intact. The labor and delivery will be smooth and I will give God all the glory for it.
Battle Cry for Today:
Isaiah 55:11 NIV
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it
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