Trying and Weight Loss and Dealing with Despair

Vitals,
207lbs, down two lbs
117/79 blood pressure pretty much the same

Perspective, sad and confused and angry. I think I am angry because this is the biggest battle of my lifetime. And i am not handling it gracefully. I am crying, and sad and angry, that I let this happen to my body. I am sad I am not ovulating. I am sad. I am sad. I am sad.

And most of all I am sad I can't control the anger and sadness. Now true I am on my menses, so that heightens everything, but now I don't know who to be angry at anymore, myself, my husband, my body, God I don't know.

I know God isn't harming me whatever he does is for the good. I know my husband loves me but poor thing, he doesn't realize the pressure. I know he wants another biological child, but what if i can't produce that.

I am scared of drugs, I don't want our child to have any autisms, or anything like that. I am in a loop, it goes from slight fear, that i can sustain through prayer and praise, to deep fear/despair, because we have been trying for so long, since the summer of 2012, so almost a year. We have taken time off here and there but it has been almost a year. I am sad because although I have lost the weight I don't know how long I can keep it off. And if you have ever been a bigger person you know what it is like to gain weight rapidly and how hard it is to keep it off.

I am sad because my faith should be able to bring me through this, but if you read this blog you will realize my faith waivers, It is like a tattered t-shirt and I am desperately holding on to the remains of it.

I told my husband that I can try for two more months, then maybe we can start the adoption paper work for our little boy. I need to understand and to realize it is ok if I can't have a child naturally maybe that is not God's plan, he already blessed us with our daughter and if we want more children then maybe he is saying let me lead you to the child I have for you.

In this whole thing God has been silent and said no, to ovulation. So maybe that is Him talking.

I don't know.

Our choice is to keep on keeping on with the weight loss, and to give it one last try the months of July and August and then start the adoption process, either private or through fostering.

Infertility has torn me apart inside, I am hanging on to the t-shirt, trying really hard to not lose faith period.

till next time.

Keda