Vitals,
207lbs, down two lbs
117/79 blood pressure pretty much the same
Perspective, sad and confused and angry. I think I am angry because this is the biggest battle of my lifetime. And i am not handling it gracefully. I am crying, and sad and angry, that I let this happen to my body. I am sad I am not ovulating. I am sad. I am sad. I am sad.
And most of all I am sad I can't control the anger and sadness. Now true I am on my menses, so that heightens everything, but now I don't know who to be angry at anymore, myself, my husband, my body, God I don't know.
I know God isn't harming me whatever he does is for the good. I know my husband loves me but poor thing, he doesn't realize the pressure. I know he wants another biological child, but what if i can't produce that.
I am scared of drugs, I don't want our child to have any autisms, or anything like that. I am in a loop, it goes from slight fear, that i can sustain through prayer and praise, to deep fear/despair, because we have been trying for so long, since the summer of 2012, so almost a year. We have taken time off here and there but it has been almost a year. I am sad because although I have lost the weight I don't know how long I can keep it off. And if you have ever been a bigger person you know what it is like to gain weight rapidly and how hard it is to keep it off.
I am sad because my faith should be able to bring me through this, but if you read this blog you will realize my faith waivers, It is like a tattered t-shirt and I am desperately holding on to the remains of it.
I told my husband that I can try for two more months, then maybe we can start the adoption paper work for our little boy. I need to understand and to realize it is ok if I can't have a child naturally maybe that is not God's plan, he already blessed us with our daughter and if we want more children then maybe he is saying let me lead you to the child I have for you.
In this whole thing God has been silent and said no, to ovulation. So maybe that is Him talking.
I don't know.
Our choice is to keep on keeping on with the weight loss, and to give it one last try the months of July and August and then start the adoption process, either private or through fostering.
Infertility has torn me apart inside, I am hanging on to the t-shirt, trying really hard to not lose faith period.
till next time.
Keda
Monday, May 27, 2013
Sunday, May 26, 2013
HCG and another Plateau
This HCG diet has been a God send.
Here are my vitals
209-whoooo hoooo, haven't been in the single digit 200's in a long time.
From 234 to 209 loss of 25lbs, from my biggest it is a lost of 35lbs...
Next Goal 200.
Blood Pressure 117/80
I have had cervicul mucus this month. which i am excited about.
What i am not excited about it that I have plateau'd again. You are supposed to lose a lb a day on this diet, i plateau'd Wed at 211, the dr told me to drop the apples from the HCG so I did, by Firday I was down to 210, Sat 209, today still 209. Now my cycle is supposed to come on the 28th, so I am thinking I am retaining water, in fact I know I am by how my stomach looks, I can't cut anymore food I already am not eating enough to cut. So I am just going to have to wait this out...
Going to church today, excited to hear the word again.
tired today so I guess this is the end of this blog for today.
Keda
Here are my vitals
209-whoooo hoooo, haven't been in the single digit 200's in a long time.
From 234 to 209 loss of 25lbs, from my biggest it is a lost of 35lbs...
Next Goal 200.
Blood Pressure 117/80
I have had cervicul mucus this month. which i am excited about.
What i am not excited about it that I have plateau'd again. You are supposed to lose a lb a day on this diet, i plateau'd Wed at 211, the dr told me to drop the apples from the HCG so I did, by Firday I was down to 210, Sat 209, today still 209. Now my cycle is supposed to come on the 28th, so I am thinking I am retaining water, in fact I know I am by how my stomach looks, I can't cut anymore food I already am not eating enough to cut. So I am just going to have to wait this out...
Going to church today, excited to hear the word again.
tired today so I guess this is the end of this blog for today.
Keda
Monday, May 20, 2013
Messenger (Help Mate) Plus Vitals
So today I woke up thinking about being a messenger. Specifically a woman being a messenger or a helpmate, some say help meet to her husband. It got me thinking about all the men in my life before my husband. I thought about my ex, the one who I wanted to be with soooo bad the one who I thought for sure I could make love me. He never headed anything I said to him, everything was hard, even giving him love let alone advice. to the point it drove me to extremes allowing myself to be mistreated because I honestly believed I loved him. It wasn't until one night I sat alone in his apt provided by the co, that I stopped and cried out to the Lord to just give me a husband, someone different than the one I was with someone who wantedl to be with me, who loved me, who wanted to be married to me and who wanted to have children with me. The only prerequisite I had outside of that is that he have a job.....Cause i had been in a relationship that was going no where where I was not a help meet, help mate, messenger sooo long that I saw clearly that all I really wanted was to have something beautiful something real where i could give to a man and he could give to me and it not be so 'stressful' so full of strife. I didn't pray for a successful man or a rich man. I prayed for a man of God and to have the common sense to love and recognize him when he found me. Let me say God answered that prayer quick fast and in a hurry. That relationship was severed and not by me. I didn't have the strength to leave him. He released me and I praise God for it now, then even though I was destroyed I still had a peace about it.
I remember when i was in college I as enamoured with a guy, we had the best friendship and he wanted to more. He wasn't motivated by school and I would try and motivate him. I would say babe go to school go to class and ummm yeah I come back from my noon class and he would still be there. He never let me help him in anything and even then I realized I wasn't his messenger, wasn't the one to help him by encouraging him. Now he is married with kids and motivated beyond motivated by his wife, do you know why, she is his messenger/his helpmeat. God gives every woman what she needs to be the helpmate for the man he has purposed for her....No other woman can do it for him. No amount of love can do it for him, if that woman is not his helpmate.
I have friends now who are in relationships where they are sooooo unequally yoked, being used, being manipulated being stalled. I wasted a good bit of my 20's in that same situation. I wish I was bold enough to stand in their faces and yelll to the top of my lungs...."you are not his helpmate" if you were this would not be this hard. God is not in confusion, and while I am at it, God is not into you having a relationship, emotional or romantic to a man who is involved in any way, marriage or otherwise. Ask me how I know, been there too.
I pray that one day all I have been through can help me help other young women, because it was God's grace that pulled me back from the hugest mistake, from the brink of am emotional breakdown and to my husband and his love.
Now that I am with the one God intended me to be with, I roll over in the morning and touch his arm and pray for his health. I love him to the point I can't imagine not having this type of love in my life, even when i am mad at him, or disagree with him i still love him.
And being a woman now who is covered makes me look at things differently, makes me weight my options differently.....Makes me not as quick to run for opportunities because all opportunities may not be what your family needs at that moment.
I pray one day that I can publish this blog and young women read it and get the strength to pray to God to be released from situations that are not of God, not where God wants you to be.
Vitals,
Today I reached 212lbs, I haven't been this small in years. can you believe that. I have fought to stay 225 for the past two years, I was 215 before Layna was born. At this rate I hope to be 200 by the end of the month...I just pray I can at least keep half of all this weight I am losing off. I have fought so hard. When people see bigger people they think they are having cake and ice cream everyday, fast food every day...Yeah if i ate like that i would be sooo much bigger than I was... After 50+ days of dieting i had only lost 10lbs, and was struggling to keep that off.
I pray to overcome my weight, and to continue to be healthy for my children. And yes I said children we are still believing for God's will in that situation, but Amaya lives in my heart. She has my eyes when I see her in my mind's eye.
I go in the closet and pray for her and seek the Lord for her, and I thank God for his peace so that I can keep going....People don't know what it is to love children you have not even conceived yet...
We are also believing God to find our son through adoption/fostering we think, not sure which.
Till next time, I leave you with this scripture.
Hebrews 10:36
You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised
I remember when i was in college I as enamoured with a guy, we had the best friendship and he wanted to more. He wasn't motivated by school and I would try and motivate him. I would say babe go to school go to class and ummm yeah I come back from my noon class and he would still be there. He never let me help him in anything and even then I realized I wasn't his messenger, wasn't the one to help him by encouraging him. Now he is married with kids and motivated beyond motivated by his wife, do you know why, she is his messenger/his helpmeat. God gives every woman what she needs to be the helpmate for the man he has purposed for her....No other woman can do it for him. No amount of love can do it for him, if that woman is not his helpmate.
I have friends now who are in relationships where they are sooooo unequally yoked, being used, being manipulated being stalled. I wasted a good bit of my 20's in that same situation. I wish I was bold enough to stand in their faces and yelll to the top of my lungs...."you are not his helpmate" if you were this would not be this hard. God is not in confusion, and while I am at it, God is not into you having a relationship, emotional or romantic to a man who is involved in any way, marriage or otherwise. Ask me how I know, been there too.
I pray that one day all I have been through can help me help other young women, because it was God's grace that pulled me back from the hugest mistake, from the brink of am emotional breakdown and to my husband and his love.
Now that I am with the one God intended me to be with, I roll over in the morning and touch his arm and pray for his health. I love him to the point I can't imagine not having this type of love in my life, even when i am mad at him, or disagree with him i still love him.
And being a woman now who is covered makes me look at things differently, makes me weight my options differently.....Makes me not as quick to run for opportunities because all opportunities may not be what your family needs at that moment.
I pray one day that I can publish this blog and young women read it and get the strength to pray to God to be released from situations that are not of God, not where God wants you to be.
Vitals,
Today I reached 212lbs, I haven't been this small in years. can you believe that. I have fought to stay 225 for the past two years, I was 215 before Layna was born. At this rate I hope to be 200 by the end of the month...I just pray I can at least keep half of all this weight I am losing off. I have fought so hard. When people see bigger people they think they are having cake and ice cream everyday, fast food every day...Yeah if i ate like that i would be sooo much bigger than I was... After 50+ days of dieting i had only lost 10lbs, and was struggling to keep that off.
I pray to overcome my weight, and to continue to be healthy for my children. And yes I said children we are still believing for God's will in that situation, but Amaya lives in my heart. She has my eyes when I see her in my mind's eye.
I go in the closet and pray for her and seek the Lord for her, and I thank God for his peace so that I can keep going....People don't know what it is to love children you have not even conceived yet...
We are also believing God to find our son through adoption/fostering we think, not sure which.
Till next time, I leave you with this scripture.
Hebrews 10:36
You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised
Thursday, May 16, 2013
HCG and other news
So, I found a doctor here that is into integrated medicine. She is awesome. She listened to everything I had to say she checked my thyroid confirmed I was on right dose, explained to me that I have a metabolic disorder which has contributed to my thyroid disfunction.
She went on to tell me that I needed to mostly eat meat, beans, vegetables and some fruit if i wanted to maintain my weight. Also when I wanted carbs it would be best to eat Gluten free carbohydrates. ( in moderation)
Because i have not lost any weight she said i would need to go on a HCG diet to get the weight off as quickly as possible then follow the maintenance diet she described above. I am on the HCG diet now I know this is just a jump start and many people regain a lot of the weight back. But if i can just keep half of the weight i lose off i will be happy.
Since i started this diet I have lost quite a bit of weight. The other thing that happened was that I think I ovulated. Like I am pretty sure I ovulated on the 14th of this month. I had cervical mucus which was my sign. I am thinking this is so. I have stopped using the Clear Blue Easy because it always says not ovulating it said that even when i conceived my daughter. I am just on a quest to be healthier. I need to be healthier for this family.
I may never be thin but if I could maintain a weight of 180 or even 190 I would be happy. Why do I say that well because I have been +200lbs the majority of my life. In highschool I was 211, my breast contributed to a lot of that I was a 44DDD, and then in college through a punishing exercise routine, low carbing and even tight calorie restriction I got down to my smallest I have ever been which was 162. I have never seen 150lbs in my adult life.
When i got married I was right at 215, when I had Layna I was 270, a year after she was born I topped out at 235, then I lost about 12lbs and was able to get down to 223.... which is about where I have stayed. So you see it i has been an uphill battle for me. I do workout I do count carbs, calories and have dieted and if i didn't at least try to keep weight down i would be a big big girl. So you seen 180 for me is like what 130 would be for most people.
I am just blessed to be able to go to these doctors and really learn about nutrition for MY body, cause ultimately that is what nutrition is about everyone's body is different a person needs a individualized plan.
I am moving forward I am being proactive and I am still believing.
That is all.
She went on to tell me that I needed to mostly eat meat, beans, vegetables and some fruit if i wanted to maintain my weight. Also when I wanted carbs it would be best to eat Gluten free carbohydrates. ( in moderation)
Because i have not lost any weight she said i would need to go on a HCG diet to get the weight off as quickly as possible then follow the maintenance diet she described above. I am on the HCG diet now I know this is just a jump start and many people regain a lot of the weight back. But if i can just keep half of the weight i lose off i will be happy.
Since i started this diet I have lost quite a bit of weight. The other thing that happened was that I think I ovulated. Like I am pretty sure I ovulated on the 14th of this month. I had cervical mucus which was my sign. I am thinking this is so. I have stopped using the Clear Blue Easy because it always says not ovulating it said that even when i conceived my daughter. I am just on a quest to be healthier. I need to be healthier for this family.
I may never be thin but if I could maintain a weight of 180 or even 190 I would be happy. Why do I say that well because I have been +200lbs the majority of my life. In highschool I was 211, my breast contributed to a lot of that I was a 44DDD, and then in college through a punishing exercise routine, low carbing and even tight calorie restriction I got down to my smallest I have ever been which was 162. I have never seen 150lbs in my adult life.
When i got married I was right at 215, when I had Layna I was 270, a year after she was born I topped out at 235, then I lost about 12lbs and was able to get down to 223.... which is about where I have stayed. So you see it i has been an uphill battle for me. I do workout I do count carbs, calories and have dieted and if i didn't at least try to keep weight down i would be a big big girl. So you seen 180 for me is like what 130 would be for most people.
I am just blessed to be able to go to these doctors and really learn about nutrition for MY body, cause ultimately that is what nutrition is about everyone's body is different a person needs a individualized plan.
I am moving forward I am being proactive and I am still believing.
That is all.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Blessed
I can not complain. Today was awesome day.
I learned a lot about myself in our fostering class. I learned a lot about how other people thought and what they can and would do to build a family.
There is a woman who has been fostering for 22 years. She has six adopted children of her own, all of different races, Black, Asian, White, Hispanic maybe. I saw a picture of her family and just felt such a blast of fresh air. Those kids looked happy and healthy and loved and they were smiling. She told the truth and said they were smiling that day, hahahhah i think that is real. I respect that that realness.
Tomorrow I go to the doctor, to talk about my hypothyroidism and being put back on Armour and trying to regain some of my energy. I am not on a diet right now. I just can't continue to diet. I have never lost anything other than 15lbs, a lot of that is because my medicine has been off, once I discuss my diet with this doctor I am going to get back on some kind of diet, but for right now I just needed a break.
Blood pressure is still good. Haven't gained or lost any weight.
One thing today that I realized was how blessed I am. My husband and my daughter, my whole family including aunts uncles and cousins are my life. I am so blessed to have such a great family. I am so happy to have a healthy happy little girl and a healthy husband who I pray over many mornings while he is still sleep and I am up grabbing a quiet moment.
Blessed Lord Blessed. My soul is content in all that God has given me. I do desire another healthy happy child, but I had to take this moment and say thank you Jesus.
I was baptized this Sunday. I wanted the world to know that I have given my life to Jesus. That i believe that Christ died for my sins and rose again and is sitting on the right hand side of the father. I want my life to mean something. I want to serve, I want to have a servant's heart for my husband and for whatever ministry God gets me into. I feel like I have so much to give.
That is all for now,
Till next time. ---"And Abraham believed and it was counted unto him as righteousness"
I learned a lot about myself in our fostering class. I learned a lot about how other people thought and what they can and would do to build a family.
There is a woman who has been fostering for 22 years. She has six adopted children of her own, all of different races, Black, Asian, White, Hispanic maybe. I saw a picture of her family and just felt such a blast of fresh air. Those kids looked happy and healthy and loved and they were smiling. She told the truth and said they were smiling that day, hahahhah i think that is real. I respect that that realness.
Tomorrow I go to the doctor, to talk about my hypothyroidism and being put back on Armour and trying to regain some of my energy. I am not on a diet right now. I just can't continue to diet. I have never lost anything other than 15lbs, a lot of that is because my medicine has been off, once I discuss my diet with this doctor I am going to get back on some kind of diet, but for right now I just needed a break.
Blood pressure is still good. Haven't gained or lost any weight.
One thing today that I realized was how blessed I am. My husband and my daughter, my whole family including aunts uncles and cousins are my life. I am so blessed to have such a great family. I am so happy to have a healthy happy little girl and a healthy husband who I pray over many mornings while he is still sleep and I am up grabbing a quiet moment.
Blessed Lord Blessed. My soul is content in all that God has given me. I do desire another healthy happy child, but I had to take this moment and say thank you Jesus.
I was baptized this Sunday. I wanted the world to know that I have given my life to Jesus. That i believe that Christ died for my sins and rose again and is sitting on the right hand side of the father. I want my life to mean something. I want to serve, I want to have a servant's heart for my husband and for whatever ministry God gets me into. I feel like I have so much to give.
That is all for now,
Till next time. ---"And Abraham believed and it was counted unto him as righteousness"
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